JUST FOR LAUGHS
Somewhere just to have a giggle at life and ourselves.
[some jokes may contain mild course language and mild adult themes]
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.No one is listening until you fart.
4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10.If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12.Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
13..Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14.Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
15.A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16.There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19.We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... Then things just keep getting worse.
20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'
Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn. He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off.
"Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick.
"It's not what you think" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of those counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor".